The Under-qualified Bride

You know what the truth is?

I’m not really built to plan a wedding. It’s not in my gifting. It’s not part of my skill set. It’s not anything I’m interested in… let alone, good at.

I don’t pay attention to details. I don’t like working within a schedule. I’m a bad coordinator, administrator, and director. And when I know there’s an expectation I’m supposed to live up to, I absolutely, defiantly fall below it.

See what I’m getting at?

Me and weddings? We just don’t do well together. 

And you know what else…

By the end of mile two today… I realized something… I’m really not built to run.

My legs are short, my torso is long, my feet are clumsy, and my arms are completely uncoordinated. See this? This is might be me… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1k658QIFBE

That’s only kind of a joke. If you see a girl flailing down Main Street feel free to yell my name…

I’m unmotivated. I’m undisciplined. I may as well just walk I’m so stinkin’ slow. I don’t like sore muscles. And I’m certainly not invigorated by reaching “marathon” condition, like you over achievers. More power to ya’, but the only way this girl’s gonna see 26 miles, is in the car.

So why do I do these things? Why on earth do I put myself through this?

Well the way I see it, there’s only one of two options; I’m either addicted to making seriously demented masochistic goals, or somewhere inside the very deepest recesses of myself, disguised in negativity and hidden under a mountain of complaints, I see some value in it.

I guess in my short 20 years of life, I’ve learned the most worthwhile things, the things that have brought the most goodness and wholeness to my life and the lives of others, have been the very things I didn’t want to do, and often the things, “I was never made for.”

Once I started following Jesus, I quickly became aware, “Wow, I was not built for this.” And two years later, after dying to almost every one of my dearest dreams and idealistic expectations for my life, I’m saying, “Wow. I WAS NOT built for this!”

 Maybe demented masochist wasn’t that far off…

No. I’m kidding.

It’s true. I’m not built for this. I’m selfish. I’m prideful. I’m sinful. I’m hurtful. I’m completely wrapped up in myself. And I’m totally unqualified to be called a follower of Jesus.

So why do I do it?

“Then the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.” Genesis 2: 7

You see, God chooses to use something totally unqualified to fulfill His purposes. He uses something completely incompetent to make something wonderful, beautiful, and worthwhile. He uses the inanimate to create life.

He made us out of dust people, DUST…

Now I’m not trying to feed my ego here… but I like to think I have a little more to bring to the table than a big ol’ pile of dirt.

If God can choose to use DIRT to make a human being… I have no doubt He can use even the dirt in my life to make something beautiful out of me.

Okay, so I lied. I guess it’s not that I’m “not built” for these things. It’s that in doing them, it means submitting myself to a process of change and transformation

.

It means taking what I’m not built for and building something far better than just the “what you see is what you get” parts of me.

So maybe I’m not built to be a follower of Jesus… maybe I’m not built to be a runner… maybe I’m not built to be a bride…

But that’s no excuse to just “be who I am,” because I bet if I give up “who I’m not,” I’ll become someone way better than I ever intended.

Being a bride? It’s something I never intended…

But it’s kind of beautiful isn’t it?


And if that's not convincing enough for you... If Pheobe can do it? So can we. 


Wedding Count:
129 days- 8 miles

Anybody Know a Good Seamstress?

My last few runs have been pretty lack-luster to say the least, hence why you’ve not heard from me. NOT to mention, I’ve been doing a marvelous job at pushing these wedding plans to the side until my fiance comes home…  almost makes his return bittersweet… don’t worry dear, less bitter than sweet… (kinda).

But on tonight’s run, I really started to wrestle with some things. I read a blog post earlier today that really shook me. Written by a heart that is very obviously captivated by Jesus, but also very obviously teaching with an uninformed agenda, I quickly felt my spirit burdened by this beautifully passionate Jesus follower, still not seeing the big picture…

Jesus is love, the basis of the blog post I read this morning. We’ve heard it. We’ve said it. We’ve used. And perhaps, more than anything, we’ve abused it.

We’ve used this all-encompassing compassionate biblical concept to excuse wrong behavior that we don’t intend on changing… to excuse the sin patterns in our life.

There are some pretty cool things that happen when you run.

Obviously, one, you get a nice toned up behind and some pretty cute quads. Two, you start to feel better; you breathe deeper and stand straighter and have a little more energy to burn.

But what’s even better is that your body starts to offer you some serious benefits. When you run you release all those gross, nasty toxins that are built up in your body. You get rid of a lot of the crap inside of you. AND as it’s doing that, it also releases endorphins, helping us let go of some stress and giving us a natural happiness boost. Not bad, eh?

Well, for all the good it does us, we sure don’t like it, do we? (okay, I sure don’t like it)

No, because it makes us push ourselves. It makes our muscles hurt. It makes stretch and move in ways we really don’t want to.

From everything I’ve heard, marriage is very much the same way. It has a lot to offer us. It’s fulfilling. It can help complete us and make us better people. It gives us someone to love and walk life with. It offers us the chance to show people what God’s love for the church looks like.  (…and the tax break isn’t bad either)

But they don’t usually last, do they?

No, because they hurt and they’re hard and it makes us stretch and move in ways we really don’t want to.

Sound familiar?

Here’s what I’m getting at. Jesus is love. But just like you don’t get nice lean legs by sitting on the couch, or a happily ever after marriage without weathering the storms of a committed relationship, you don’t get to be in perfect relationship with God without moving past the crap in your life.

We must push ourselves to run the toxins of our sinfulness out of our relationship with Jesus, so we can truly experience the fullness of His perfect love. We must push ourselves in our relationships with our spouses (or soon to be spouses) through the painful times so those sweet, powerful endorphins can be released and offer us the joy we long for from our marriage.

 If we don’t push each other to do that, while we may not be upsetting people, we may be letting them miss out on best Jesus has for them. His love is whole and complete, and He wants to make our lives reflect that.

So here’s the question?

Are we willing to push each other past our sinfulness so we can truly experience God?

Or are we going to sit on the couch and let ourselves go and convince ourselves, “Oh, my wedding dress will still zip up in a few months… “

Might be time to call the seamstress…

Wedding Count:
130 days- 6 miles

The Inconvenient Chicken

Yesterday, I went on a run, not my usual jog, an actual run, and this is why… frustration makes for a good workout.

Do you know what the MOST EXPENSIVE thing is about this wedding? The food. Plain and simple, no getting around it, even doing it as cheaply as possible, by far, it will be the food that really costs us.

Here’s the thing. I’m certainly not going to look back and think, wow, that chicken was just the most delectable thing I’ve ever digested. It’s just not going to happen. I’m getting married to the guy I’m going share life and laughs with for the rest of… forever. Do you really think I’m going to remember the food?

I’m just telling you, I won’t. It may be the best chicken I will ever eat, (though I know it won’t be since we’re not actually even having chicken), but I’m just saying, I have this feeling I may be distracted by bigger things.

Feeding that many people is just inconvenient. And so is the cost. (Now maybe if I could get my list to a reasonable number… I hate weddings…).

But the reason I was so frustrated yesterday was because of the complacency of the church. I was upset because people, especially Christians, are often the LAST people to do the little things because they’re INCONVENIENT. And then we call missing out on those seemingly small things, being focused on the bigger picture.

“Well I didn’t get around to talking with my neighbor yesterday because I had to go right from work to bible study to prayer group.” Your kingdom come, Your will be done, right?

But guys, have we considered that it’s the very things we’re neglecting, the little friendly conversations with new people, and encouraging cards we never get around to sending, that really are His will? The very things that will make His kingdom come.

Think about it. Who are the “lost” people you’re missing out on connecting with because you’re running from church activity to church activity, to fellowship with people who are already connected to God? The cashier checking out your groceries, the mom sitting beside you at a t-ball game, the waiter bringing your food, the Exxon clerk ringing you out for your over-priced tank of gas… are you neglecting those people because you’re in a rush and those conversations are “inconvenient” because you’re on a schedule so you can complete “the bigger things?”

I have a feeling those seemingly small people, are the people that are “the bigger things.” That they really are, “Your kingdom come.”

We need to stop being lazy. Do you want to be a Christian or do you want to follow Jesus? I wish those things were synonymous, but sadly in our culture, they just aren’t. And here’s the difference, following Jesus is taking action. You can be a Christian and talk about following Jesus, or you can just go do it.

Feeding 200 people a nice meal is neither convenient nor cheap, but I guess it is a nice way to thank them all for sharing in your special day. It’s a good way to offer fellowship and connect special people to special people (because if they aren’t special, Lord knows I don’t have room for them on my list.)

Exercising, running, going to the gym, for a seminary student, planning a wedding, mentoring multiple girls, and trying to be intentional about reaching out and building relationships and maintaining the ones they already have, is FAR from convenient. But it’s important for the health of my body and the health of my future.

Just like taking the time to do the “inconvenient” things, like talking to the bank attendant while they deposit your money, stopping to chat with the elderly man sitting on the bench outside your library, or having a few minute conversation with someone who is new and looks a little lost after your church service instead of going to catch up on the past week with your close friends, are necessary for the health and future of the body of the church.

Real life is never convenient, but chasing after idealistic and selfish goals, won’t get us anywhere. It might be worth saving ourselves the time and doing the small things right so the big things take care of themselves.

What are you chasing after?


Wedding Count:
136 days- 5 miles 

Guest list? Death Wish.

Dear all you hopeless optimists who told me I could grow up and accomplish anything I put my mind to,

OBVIOUSLY you never made a wedding guest list. I'm pretty sure I'm going to ax all of you from it just on principle (and because I'm desperate).

Can I just say, it's impossible. I'm supposed to find a way to chop a list of 250 down to 150? Well, I'm down to 200 and pretty soon I'm gonna have to give up my spot just to fit all the wonderful, influential people in our lives into the location. Hey, friends and family, quit being so dang wonderful, okay. You're making my life hard. 

AND speaking of hard, I finally tied up my sneakers at 8:30 tonight, determined to stick with it, and set out down the familiar road of pain and suffering, also known as my running route.

I knew that if I didn't go today, I'd have gone more days being uncommitted to my goal than the days I followed through. 

Do you know what the saddest part is? I thought I was accomplishing this great thing just by going tonight... just by strapping on my shoes, jogging down the block, and not walking until I got as far as I did last time. Pathetic, people. 

We spend so much of our lives gorging ourselves on the lies we love to feast on. We set superficial goals that keep us living life to the bare minimum quality because, to set the bar high, sets us up for only one of two things... failure... or hard work. 

I realized as I was running up my very last hill,  just when I've finished the hardest part, I tell myself, "Once you make it up to the top, you can quit. You can feel good about what you did." But tonight, I did something  a little different, something completely unexpected, and totally unplanned... I kept going. 

And here's what I found, after a few painful moments and a few unsteady strides, I really started to get into a rhythm. Make no mistake, I'm not saying I particularly enjoyed it. It's not as though I suddenly started loving burning lungs and tired legs and side stitch... but I finally started to get it. I fixed my posture a little, breathed a bit deeper, and just when I was about to be done, my body started moving fluidly. My arms were in tune with my legs and my mouth in tune with my lungs. 

This is a lesson that life and faith will teach us again and again and again... we settle to "get through," to push ourselves to the limits we've created. And when we muster the strength to not denounce God in the hardships, to not lose faith completely when things aren't going as we planned, to not rip off our spouse's head for doing the same dumb thing we chewed them out for yesterday, when we finish our run because it's where we decided we'd be too tired to carry on, we call these things accomplishments.

Let me let you in on a little secret about God, He wants way more for us than that. He wants us to run past the limited expectation we have for wholeness. He wants us to push ourselves right to our limits, and when we get there, keep going, even when it's hard, because that's what faith is. 

Faith is letting your heart run towards God long after your mind and body say they can't go any further.  

And it's when we do this, that we really begin to accomplish something. 

So take heart, whether you're going on your daily jog, struggling through a painful marriage, battling an addiction, taking on cutting a wedding guest list in half... don't stop when everything in you tells you, you've done all you can do. Stop, when you hear Jesus saying, "I knew you could do it."

Wedding Count:
139 days- 3.5 miles

Did you pick your flowers yet?

I’m the kind of person that needs meaning for everything in their life. You probably have a friend or two like me… someone who always has to be searching or wrestling for something… someone who is never just happy to be, but must BE seeking something… someone who can’t just have some fun without trying to make some kind of deeper metaphor out of it… someone who would take a simple jog and make it into a silly sermon illustration…

Or maybe you don’t. In which case, that would explain my lack of social calls.

Either way, people like myself, may find it really hard to be motivated individuals. In order for me to stay focused on something, I have to understand it has lasting impact, a forever meaning, an eternal value, and it has to be deep and I have to be able to see it in my mind.

This may also explain why I’m really excited about getting married, and I don’t really give two hoots about the wedding.

So often in life, we try to accomplish things and just can’t seem to find a way to fuel the fire within us to really make us want it. We may even desperately want to want it, but just can’t get a spark to catch.

And today, on my very intentional run (because I am one of the lonely “too deep for their own good” losers depicted above), I started thinking about why it’s so hard for me to be motivated. “Why is it so hard to make myself want to finish this run? Why would I be so happy to just walk the rest? Remember, this is exciting and meaningful.”

Well, what I discovered after a few more painful blocks was this; shallow motivation.

Planning a wedding has shallow distractions on every corner, waiting to attack; to jump out and beat you up and say, “Why aren’t we just eloping?! I never even wanted a stupid wedding.” (My fiance and maid of honor can attest to my very own, frequent malicious encounters)

What color flowers will you get? Will you get different colors? What about the napkins? Will they correspond with the flowers? Oh, and the tablecloths? Is your bridesmaids hair going to be up or down? Will you put those same flowers in their hair? And while we’re talking about this stuff, how’s the guest list coming? Did you remember your great aunt Sally twice removed with the bad perm? And when you invite her you HAVE to invite her sister, you know the one that Grandma showed you in that one picture when you were four? She’d be heartbroken if she couldn’t come.

(Insert upper quotation here.)

Here it is, bottom line, you don’t get married to have a wedding. If you’re more motivated for GETTING married than you are for BEING married to your future spouse, FOR THE REST OF TIME, you have been eaten alive by the shallow motivation boogey man himself.

Those things, those minute details, they may matter for that one day that we get married, but I don’t care about them, because they don’t mean anything in the scheme of things. What color my flowers are mean NOTHING to what my marriage will look like and how it will testify of God’s love for His church. I have a feeling no body is asking Him what color flowers He’ll bring for His bride the day He comes back for her.

Finishing that run had to mean more than just checking it off my list. 

Getting married has to be more than having a beautiful wedding.
Following Jesus has to be more than cashing in your ticket for eternal life.

Planning a wedding, finishing a run, following Jesus, they all require a vast amount of motivation. Following Jesus is hard work. It means waking up every day and finding someone new to love on. It’s learning to say you’re sorry and ask for forgiveness… and mean it. It’s giving up what we want out of life and sometimes even out of ourselves , so we can serve Him with everything we have, not everything we want to have. It’s living life searching for His voice and being obedient to what He tells you, even if it’s the complete opposite of what you’ve been telling yourself (and everyone else). It’s joining in His mission to bring reconciliation and wholeness back into the world, as He intended in Genesis one.

THAT’S real, and true, and deep, and meaningful motivation. Wholeness for the whole world.

THAT’S what I’m running after.

Wedding Count Down: 
142 days- 2 miles

The Wedding Epidemic

I've always been intrigued by women’s obsession with weddings. Little girls start dreaming about their dress and prince charming as soon as they can twirl in some over dramatically puffy princess attire. It’s this strange epidemic among female kind, it consumes us, dresses and colors and flowers and pictures and centerpieces and invitations and cake decorations in the perfect location with all your favorite friends and their dates and distant cousins you’ve never met but heard give good gifts … it’s enough to make your head spin. I myself have never been particularly bothered by such superfluous details. My parents have been threatening me since before I was even convinced boys didn’t have cooties, that if I eloped I’d have to live with the knowledge that I ripped out their heart, stomped on it, and dug their six feet under about 30 years early.

Apparently they knew something about me I didn’t, and now, at just 20 years old, with 5 months of single life left, I get it. Weddings are a drag. And I really couldn’t be less motivated to plan one.

Here’s the way I see it; I got the boy, I booked the photographer, and I found the dress. Those are the things I get to take home at the end of the day. What more do you want from me?
Details have never been my strong suit.

But here’s one detail even I can’t seem to look past. In only 5 months, all eyes are going to be on me in that beautiful dress. And it hangs on the back of my door mocking me, “Who’s going to look better? Me? Or you?”

I suppose, even I, have caught the infection, the wedding bug, the bride blues. I don’t care what you call it, but someone needs to find some kind of cure so I can get my someday daughter vaccinated.

So today, when I couldn’t bear the taunting any longer, I went for a long over-do run.

AND I had a side-stitch starting with stride one. But, I kept reminding myself why I was doing this, and no, it wasn't just to shut up the teasing from my personified wedding gown. It’s because I want to offer the very best of me to the very best guy I know.

I kept telling myself, I know it’s hard and I know it’s painful, but keep going. I’m sure it looks a little funny, a little off stride to the rest of the world, but you know who you’re doing this for. I know you’re tired and I know you’d burn just as many calories walking for just a little while longer, but we’re not going to take the easy way out. Remember, you’re not doing this for yourself, you’re doing it for the one you love, because he should have the very best version of you.

And it really got me thinking, hmmmm that sounds very much like my relationship with Jesus. It’s hard. It’s painful. It seems a little funny to the rest of society. It would be a lot easier to go about life on my own agenda. BUT, I’m not doing life for myself; I’m doing it for the one I love, because He should have the very best version of me.

I am not only a bride to my fiance, I’m part of the bride of Christ.
And I’d like to do everything in my power to take his, His, breath away when I’m unveiled (literally) before him, Him, at the end of the aisle I’m about to walk down.

I suppose, you could call me a runaway bride; not for what I’m running from, but what I’m running to.

Maybe being a bride will teach me more than I expected.

Wedding Count down:                                                                          
143 days- 1 mile